A friend of mine recently reached out to me about another friend, let’s call him Jake. Jake had fallen for a woman he met online, who seemed perfect for him. She was smart, pretty, funny, kind, and they had amazing chemistry. There was just one problem: her dating deal-breaker was money. She wanted to be taken care of forever, with no financial contribution at all, and obviously the guy felt weird. That kind of demand changes the whole tone of a relationship before it even starts.

Sigh. I get really annoyed with people who have such all-or-nothing deal-breakers. No room for compromise. They aren’t even willing to discuss a compromise. I think it’s good to have your list of must-haves and those no-way-in-hell-s when it comes to dating and relationships. But when your deal-breaker isn’t based in reality, or when you wouldn’t take the same deal-breaker and apply it to yourself, then how could you ask it of someone else?

Money is such a charged subject in dating, in relationships, in marriage. It is a source of power, of control, and it damages even the most loving of people. Maybe this woman had a boyfriend who stole from her. Maybe she grew up in poverty and never wants that again. Or maybe she has decided that she never wants to work once she gets hitched. The point is, she’s letting her fear take over. Fear has a way of making rigid rules feel like safety, even when they are really just walls.

She’s letting a good man who loves her go because she’s too afraid to have a conversation about her deal-breaker. We can’t control our lives in this way, and shit happens. Are your deal-breakers just about what you want, or are they mutually beneficial to the relationship? Consider your deal-breakers and what they really mean to the long-term care of your relationship. You deserve love, and so does your partner. The best deal-breakers protect a relationship instead of sabotaging it.